Wednesday, April 8, 2009

"....a rudderless child..."

Some reflections after the fact - she's been gone almost two weeks and a couple of things have come to light:
Losing a parent hurts..that's obvious. But when you've lost both your parents your own mortality rears its ugly head and slaps you in the face. Prior to all of this I was 45 years old. Now she's gone and it's "HOLY CRAP!!!!!! I'M 45 YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!"
The funeral was the easy part. After the perpetual motion that's involved in making arrangements and getting a preacher and cleaning out her room and her clothes etc..etc... the weeks after are sort of numbing...the 'uncalm after the storm" if you will The realization of what's happened hits you and it hurts like hell. And that's when you feel like (as the master, Mr. Buffett puts it) "a rudderless child." I love my wife. I love our home and our life together. But I feel, suddenly, like I've got no more roots in the ground. Someone who's been through this please tell me this is all normal.
Food is definitely my addiction. As much ribbing as I take because of my fondness for a cold, dry martini (and the ribbing is warranted...I AM quite fond of them) this episode has proven that food is my drug of choice. After so many months of not wanting to eat I'm suddenly craving things I haven't THOUGHT of eating in forever, wanting to use food to ease the pain a bit. I've had a couple of "I'm gonna eat whatever the hell I wanna eat" days. Fortunately I haven't given in. But feeling those temptations again has certainly proven that gin's not my drug of is. And I guess the hard times are when I'm going to fight it hard.
I'm enjoying the early days of this baseball season more than I have any season in years. No one on this planet loved the sport of baseball more than Mother. For the last couple of years I watched little of it because it made me too sad. Knowing that Alzheimer's robbed her of the ability to enjoy what she loved kept me from wanting to watch it. If she couldn't I shouldn't. But my bride has now convinced me that she wouldn't want me to not watch baseball. In fact I should use the opportunity to see a game as a chance to revisit all the good times I had watching baseball with her. My bride..pretty AND smart.
Gotta go...Brian McCann just hit another monster shot. Mother would say he's "seeing pumpkins right now."


Melinda Sileo said...

I guess no matter how old we get we still like the feeling of having parents to turn to. Now that we've lost both of ours it is a lost/insecure feeling. We are blessed to have had them and we are blessed to have each other to lean on now.

T said...

true 'dat

Lojo said...

I know what its like to be parentless too. Guess it kind of smacks you in the face when you realize that you're in the "front of the line" if you know what I mean!
I'm sure Mom would want you to watch and enjoy baseball...I'd like to think she'll be right beside you enjoying every pitch!
As Melinda said, its great to have family to lean on...embrace them!
Take care. Lori

Elisabeth said...

I really can't imagine...thanks for all you've shared with us these past couple of weeks. We love you.