Friday, June 5, 2009

"WTH" moments in the life of me.

**I listen to the music channels on my digital cable box when I'm working from home. They take off the bluegrass channel and add something called "Romances." (and there's a "Classic Hip-Hop" channel. There's "classic" hip-hop? WTH?)
**I'm thinking that DSM thingy they talked about in Psychology classes needs to add a new disorder. "FearOfPullingTheTriggeritis" should be added. I know. I suffer from it. I no longer have the excuse of morbid obesity keeping me from starting things I've been longing to accomplish since childhood. I want to start a novel so bad I can taste it. Caught up on my IBM work, I sat down at the computer this morning to do an outline of the characters. I figure I know the backdrop against which I want to set this story so all I need to is to sit down, come up with characters to be thrown into the mix and let the story evolve (the short version of what Stephen King says he does in his "On Writing" memoirs.) With God as my witness, when I sat here, my chest started getting tight, my breaths got shorter and I go outside to prune some tomato plants. I was - once again - scared to jump off that high-dive. I can see the tomato plants bearing fruit so I'm not afraid of those. But if what I start my life-long ambition and IT dies on the vine? I'm afraid then I'd become the old guy that sits around in pants that don't fit and hair growing out of his ears saying "You know...I COULD'VE been a great writer..." (along those lines, I can't believe I just went down the "make an analogy comparing my aspirations to vegetation dying on the vine" road. Look up cheesy in the dictionary and it probably has my picture....WTH?)
**This is odd...but everyone already knows I'm odd so I'll just say it - I find myself trying to remember what it was like to be as large as I was. I sit in my truck and say "I used to have the steering wheel HERE and kept the seat pushed back to HERE." When I'm in the office and I feel space on either side of me in my desk chair I think "I used to hang over these arms and now there's space HERE." I've given tons of clothes to Goodwill. I almost wish I'd kept some of them so that I could put them on and feel how big I used to be. But the therapist I saw before surgery said to discard stuff as soon as it was too big....the though process being that there'd always be the temptation to forgive any future weight gain because I still had the clothes to swing it. Living that way was a nightmare...why do I want to revisit it in any way? WTH?
**I feel better now.


Elisabeth said...

You want classic Hip-Hop? My brothers performed "Rapper's Delight" at karaoke last week!!

I think you should have kept at least one pair of pants... but who am I to argue with the doc?

Melinda Sileo said...

You need to watch Chapter Two again. Ask yourself what his therapist made him ask himself - what's the worst that could happen if I did this or that...What's the worst that could happen if you embraced your new self/freedom/love of life? You'd be happy. Don't run from happiness - grab it!