So I'm 7 days into a "modified" liquid diet. "Modified" meaning things like pudding, jello, grits and oatmeal are allowed. I sensed this might be the toughest hurdle to clear. I was right - but NOT for the reasons I anticipated. I anticipated being on the brink of starvation. I'm allowed between 800-1200 calories a day on this diet and I anticipated being done with 1,200 calories by noon and starving the rest of the day. Quite the contrary. I'm having an AWFUL time making it to 800 calories, much less 1,200. I've been totally caught off guard by the whole thing. This past saturday we had an event that took us out into the sun on a blistering hot day. We were walking around when I suddenly told Rhonda "I feel like I'm about to faint" (not that I've ever fainted or have any idea what it feels like..but the ground was moving and I was lightheaded and I'd had no tequila so I figured I was about to faint.) She said "You need to sit down. How many calories have you had today?" I said "about 270." Nurse mode was activated. She read me the riot act and wanted to know if I'd been eating as much as I should. I said "well, I was doing ok until thursday, then the thought of eating anything else on the 'acceptable' list turned my stomach." Needless to say, I was carted home and fed protein drink, applesauce and oatmeal in short order. In a million years I NEVER imagined I'd hear these words from my bride - "YOU NEED TO EAT MORE!!!" Come to think of it, I don't think anyone has ever said those words to me in 44 years of life (unless I was in some watering hole and downing beverages on an empty stomach - leading to some poor renditions of old David Allen Coe songs. That might have happened!)
Did anyone ever think this southern boy would get tired of grits? I have. They're a lot better with a runny fried egg broken over the top and a half-bottle of hot sauce (sadly, I tried to evoke some memory of that delicacy by just using hot sauce on a recent bowl. I can't recommend it.) Do you know how really quickly one can get tired of pudding? Jello has always worried me. Food that moves just isn't good or natural. Cream of chicken soup strained (so as to remove the bits of chicken) tastes like hospital food from hell. I guess that's the crux of the problem - when the stuff you're limited to doesn't even taste good you don't want it. I'm not hungry, though. Aside from a cold Boodles martini I'm seriously not craving anything. Have I already begun morphing into another person? Has food become an afterthought for someone previously addicted to it? Holy cow, in a couple of years I might have an infomercial that will promise all the insomniacs viewing it that they, too, can be released from the lethal grip of food if only they'll send me three easy payments of $19.95! Move over ginsu knives..there's a new sheriff in town.
One week exactly until surgery. Pre-op visits abound over the next day and a half. I'm getting more nervous by the minute.
(on a totally unrelated note - rest in peace Skip. I told someone this week that the true sign of getting old is the fading away of people and places that you thought would never fade. Listening to baseball on the radio won't be the same.)